writing's death is slowly creeping in

I haven't been blogging lately. I don't know why. I just don't feel like it anymore. I mean, unlike before when I used to blog almost everyday, it isn't just the same right now. I used to write a lot and I liked it. I was always anticipating new things to write about. I didn't care. I liked to write and no one could stop me. Well, it used to be like that. It's different now.

The death of my love for writing is slowly creeping in. Ever since I joined Writer's Guild, I've been drained. Not that I don't like the club. I love the club. It's the first club I joined in four years which is totally worth my time. It's the best club I've had had. But the thing is, I need to write when I'm asked to. We all are. But I guess I'm different. I can't write when I don't want to. For me, I write whenever I want to, when I feel the urge to. But writing when I don't feel like it makes me hate writing. It's just not the same.

I write because I don't write very often. I write because I feel the hunger for it. Well, I used to. But now, I don't. It's like asking for more food when you haven't had a chance to eat 3 times a day everyday. And I used to be like that and that's the reason why I craved for more. But now, it's always eat-all-you-can, five times a day. Which makes me want to puke sometimes.

Ideas come to me spontaneously. I don't know when it will come. But when I am asked to write at a certain time about a certain topic, my mind shuts down. I write of course, for the sake of it. Not for the love of it. See the difference?

I am not the best writer. I do not have the best grammar and I tend to jumble up things. I know that. But I wrote because I used to love it. I wrote because I used to need it. Don't get me wrong, I still love writing and I still need writing. Whenever I am able to think of, for example, lines for a poem or titles for a poem, I MUST write it down, no matter if it's Physics or Math and no matter if I don't listen. Because I NEED to. But the urge is not as strong as it used to be.

I attended a seminar last weekend which was called UNANG HALIK SA PANITIK which was held at Villa Julia Resort somewhere in Cavite. It was about writing poetry in Filipino. Hey, I learned a LOT. I learned that I still couldn't write poems and that it takes years and years and years to be able to be a good poet. Did it discourage me? Not really. But sort of. I mean, I'm afraid that if I write a poem and someone really good criticizes it, I will find out that what I've written was trash. Who isn't afraid of such, right?

Do I still want to write? Sure, I do. But I want to give it a rest first. I want the urge to come to back to me. I want to crave for it again. I don't know if it will still happen. I mean, I have 3 more months of continous writing. But yeah, it's going to be fine. I guess.

About the seminar, I really learned a lot. It was an overnight thing. Efren Abueg and Cirilio Bautista were there to help us. In case you don't know them, in kuya Aidel's words, they are the "gods of Philippine literature". People from Cavite Young Writers like Kuya Ronald, Ate Ayn and Kuya Richard were there too. You MUST read their poems. REALLY REALLY NICE. Ate Bebang also taught us. Oh well, people like them...I look up to.

it was destiny

We had our culminating for the English month last Monday. I joined the extemporeaneous speaking contest. It wasn't supposed to be me. It was supposed to be Mina but she went to a seminar. I guess it really was destined for me.

Nov. 30 was supposed to be the date for the culminating activity. Nov. 29, Mina was absent because she was sick. Ms. Kathy told me to substitue for Mina if she won't be able to come to school the following day. But of course I knew she would come to school and be able to do the speech. Then, surprise surprise, Nov. 30, classes were cancelled. So they had to move everything to Dec. 4. So I had no other choice but to speak.

I didn't think I would win the gold. I didn't even think I could speak without pausing. I didnt pause and only said "uhm" once! I was able to use every single research I had. My question was: Connect zeal and dynamism with Classic Literature. It was a good thing that before the contest, I went to the library and looked for thw meaning of zeal and dynamism. I didn't think I could do so well. As I've said, it was destiny.

let.it.stop.

Not again. It can't be happening again. The coldness, the thump-thumping... No. It was just like what it was before.

Whenever I don't think, hear, or see, I am sure it's gone. But I cannot live without my senses. And when my senses return, I am not quite sure of what I'm supposed to be sure of. What am I supposed to do?

I don't want to know that it was always still there.

It's pathetic.

Shoot me.

1 McDreamy please!

McDreamy. McDreamy. McDreamy. McDreamy. McDreamy. Mcdreamy.

I want him. Haha

today, i flew

I was able to fly! We had this thing for Physics. It's circular motion, if I'm not mistaken. Because of that, I was able to fly.

Mga Tula

PANATA NG TISA

Akong panulat ng mga guro at bata
Sa paaralan man o maging sa kalsada,
Akong puti na kadalasang gamit
Nararamdaman ang inyong pagtalikod sa akin

Akala niyo ba’y hindi ko ramdam
Na ang mga marka ko’y pinandidirihan?
At sa bawat pagbura ng aking mga guhit,
Ako ay iniiwasang pilit?

Tila ba ketong ang dulot ng aking mantsa
Hindi pa kuntento, ako’y inaalipusta
Kapag naputol, tatawaging tanga
Kapag nahulog, ako pa rin ang may sala

Pakiramdam ko’y ako’y walang kwenta
Kahit na alam kong sa aki’y maraming umaasa
Ngunit ako’y nanliliit, mas maliit sa dinurog na ako
Na sa isang ihip, sasama sa hangin at maglalaho

Hindi niyo ba alam ang sakit na nadarama
Sa tuwing ako’y idiriin at ipapansulat sa pisara?
Parang binugbog, maraming gasgas ngunit di pinapansin
Ito’y kaya pang tiisin nitong katawan kong inyong inaangkin

Dahil wala ng mas sasakit pa
Sa malaman na ika’y binabalewala
Na sa pakinabang ko at bawat pagguhit
Sa aking panliliit ay walang sumasagip

Masakit malaman na sa aking paglisan
Tila ba ako’y hindi napakinabangan
Sino ba sa inyo ang nakakaalala
Sa bawat tisa na inyong inalipusta ?

Ngunit kahit ako’y ulit-uliting durugin
Hindi ko magawang kayo ay sisihin
Dahil ano nga ba ako ? ako’y isang tisa lamang
Hindi ginto, isang puting bagay na nagiging alikabok

Kung kayo man ay napuwing at aking nasaktan,
‘di sinasadya, ngunit marahil ito’y pagpaparamdam
na ang sakit na nadarama ko’y ‘di tulad ng sa inyo
na agad nawawala sa pagpikit ng mata at muling pagbukas nito

Ngunit kahit ganito, ako’y mayroong panata
Isang panata na hindi kailanman masisira
Hanggang ako’y inyong kailangan, ako’y mananatili
Hangga’t ako’y kailangan, ako’y magsisilbi

Dahil ako ay masaya na habang ako’y gamit ninyo
At na sa bawat markang dulot ko
Sa guro, estudyante at maging sa’yo
Ako’y mananatili sa alaala ninyo

Dahil sino bang tao ang hindi nakakaalala
Ng mga karanasan sa eskwela at kalsada
Na kapag binalikan ay naghahatid saya
At ang dahilang ito sa akin ay sapat na

Hangga’t may nagtuturo at naglalaro ng piko
Ako’y mananatili, walang halong biro
Ako’y nangangako na kahit maging abo
Hindi patatangay sa hangin ang markang iiwan sa inyo

TIKLADO

Naririnig mo ba?
Kaya mo bang ipinta
Ang musika
Na napaka ganda?

Bat di subukan
Ipikit ang mata
Makinig ng mabuti
At sumabay sa kanta

Nadarama mo ba
Ang nais ipahiwatig
O nais iparating
Ng bawat notang naririnig ?

Hindi mo ba alam na sa pagtugtog
Ng bawat tiklado
Ay mayroong damdaming
Sa’yo ipinararating?

Kaya’t makinig ng mabuti
Ako’y tutugtog
Gagawa ng musika
At sayo’y ihahandog

Iingatan ko
Ang pagdiin
Ng aking mga daliri
Sa bawat tikladong tutugtugin

Ipikit ang iyong mga mata
At ikaw ay maghanda
Lasapin ang bawat nota
Na aking ipadarama

Halina, sabay tayong maglakbay
Umalis sa ating mundo, tayo ay lalayo
Doon tayo tutungo
Sa lugar kung saan tayo magtatagpo

Sa pagmulat ng mata
At pagtigil ng musika
Kasabay kang naglaho
Isa na lamang alaala

Sinubukan kong tumugtog muli
Ngunit sa bawat pagdiin ng daliri
Ang mga tiklado’y
Di na tulad ng dati